I’m saving myself.


Aware of all of my traumas and triggers, I'm doing what I want to cope with my mental health.
I've learned a lot about my trigger points while confronting my traumas.

 


How I relate to people is something I'm still figuring out, but I'm becoming more self-reliant on
being my authentic self without desiring anyone's approval.


I've deconstructed my anxieties, to cut down on the fear it feeds from. Anxiety devours fear, or
anything emotionally uncomfortable, creating tapes in my mind that don't exist. Usually it's
worst-case scenario type-shit.


These are things that are unnecessary worries because I know that I'm taking better care of my
physical self. It is my emotional self that I'm maturing
to better care for myself.


My mind is an interesting, bizarre, brilliant, and beautiful place.


My own healing has been my priority, but at the same time, I do not want to feel alone in my
journey.


This is lonely work. It's not always fun for me, especially during this pandemic. I'm looking
forward to more fun, more laughter, and more joy.


Last year, I realized that I was the source of my joy, and I desired emotionally loving and
supportive company along the ride.


That part became a source of stress, then heartbreak.


Now, I'm learning to love myself through that piece, along with the things that have happened
this year.


Depression reminds me that I’m alone, especially when anxiety shows up to the party. Anxiety
ain’t shit.


I do my best to shift my mind to allow room for kinder outcomes, which in turn reminds me to be
kinder to myself.


As much as I'd like to, I cannot always anticipate the circumstances of my anxieties, but I can
expect feeling anxious. Knowing that, I can process my feelings and calm myself down before I
react.


At least, that's one way I'm thinking through managing my anxieties and reactivity.

Through all of this, I have been adamant about my self-care and mental health.


I think it was Lizzo that said self-care is an act of self-preservation, and I couldn’t agree more.


Self-care is selfish and self-centered, but what keeps me balanced is choosing when to be
selfless. That within itself is a lesson to learn.


I feel my way through it at every step. In each experience, I learn something new about myself.


I want the mental room to sort my shit out. But, I didn't factor in that I desire to feel safe in doing so.

By safe, I never explained what it meant for this Black man to feel safe.
 

I want emotional support. That makes me feel safe.
 

I’m saving myself by feeling my feelings, standing in my reactivity, and understanding every
piece of why I do the things I do, and feel the way I feel.

 

It's not easy. I'm not looking for easy.


I'm looking for healthy relief that's trauma and anxiety-free. However, I've been told to get my
peace, piece by piece. Right now, that is the best way to get to the side of healing that I want.

 

Little by little I’m saving myself by fighting and advocating for my inner beautiful Black boy crying
for love, warm affirmations, and reassurance that he’s good.

 

To me, True Self-love is owning every piece of your 'youness' so that no one can take anything
from you that you've already claimed as yours.

 

I want to continue being my best for myself and be authentically loved through it so that I can
understand how to love myself better.

 

That's the only way I know how to be good to people.
 

Sometimes I struggle with learning how to be good to people. Sometimes I struggle with
understanding love.

 

Sometimes I feel it. Most times I don't. I work on holding on to the moments when I feel it most
because I understand what it's like to operate from an empty vessel.

 

I want to understand what matters the most
to me.

 

I want to believe there's hope for my personal freedom and personal happiness.

 

To be my most authentic representation of myself and love myself through it is a special joy I
chase. Still, I don't want to feel foolish for living to confirm and affirm my dreams and desires.

I just want to love and be loved.
 

My goal is to continue forward with healing and being humbled by what I learn about myself. I
feel that as I continue to shift for the better, I will continue evolving into the Beautiful Black Man

I've always wanted to be and fall in love with.
 

I'm saving Myself for my Self because I am worth saving.

"Saving Myself for My Self"
by: Kevin L. Tarver